Op-Ed Column from the New York Observer Gazette Herald Times

DISCLAIMER:       

The views and opinions expressed in this post belong to NO ONE.  Literally everyone in this is completely fictitious except the good people of the island Nikumaroro in Micronesia who I deeply apologize to.

WAR DECLARED ON MICRONESIA AND MAINE, "WATCH OUT NORTH DAKOTA.  YOU'RE NEXT" SAYS BAD CRAZINESS

NEW YORK, NY      On May 15th, 2012, Dylan Merrick, vice president and co-founder of Bad Craziness International Studios was executed at the word of a Micronesian military tribunal on the island Nikumaroro.

"Bad Craziness" or "BCIS" is a major media conglomerate that until now has generally kept knowledge of its activities very limited.  What we here at the New York Observer Gazette Herald Times have been able to find out is that it houses as many as 10,000 separate departments with an equally sizable staff.  Its exact HQ whereabouts are unknown but we have deduced that it is somewhere between Louisville, Kentucky and the capital of Sri Lanka on either side of the globe.

Since Merrick's execution the company stated in a newscast that war is coming to the islands of Micronesia and the State of Maine.  Victor Denkum, lead anchor of the program Bad Craziness International News from HQ, stated in a broadcast that North Dakota's "ass is grass".

We've also taken the liberty of including the final film review/cultural critique that is believed to have landed Merrick in prison in the first place.  The recording was originally featured in the BCIS broadcast, but we ripped the audio onto a podcast for length and convenience.

 

Since the declaration, several pineapple extract factories in Abemama and Boutaritari have been evacuated following a carnivorous mole rat and scarab infestation.  In Maine, couples on "Make Out Hill" in Bangor have fled to Portland after a group of armed young males wearing togas, Scream masks, and tutus known as the "Bad Craziness International Nonsense Society" shot Super Soakers full of lead paint and battery acid and caused a general "ruckus" according to one victim who has asked to remain nameless.

In North Dakota nothing happened as of yet mostly because nothing generally happens in North Dakota.

An international war between a corporation and a series of nations and locations has never happened before, at least to the knowledge of this publication's staff.  Someone tried to argue Halliburton, but we decided to let that one slide for now.  The precedent is being set out there in the Pacific and the Northern New England area as we type up this post.  Questions have been raised of the plausibility to wage war on regions and individual states, but the president has decided not to give an opinion on the subject or a retaliation on the corporation.  At a recent interview, when asked about BCIS, the president said: "I've literally never heard that.  Nope, I'm almost positive that that's not even true".  The only thing known for sure in this entire situation is that BCIS means business.

~Herb Nutsaplenty